Am i a student or am i a parent?

Am I a student or am I a parent?

This question is one that ive asked myself time and time again.

The seemingly never ending lurch from “Im doing this to create a better life for my child and proving that working hard to pursue your dreams is not only possible but ultimately worthwhile” and the gut wrenching guilt of hearing “ do you have to go to work/ study again mummy? Why cant you play with me more?” Am I selfishly pursuing my dreams for my own benefit, or that of both of us?

Being a student nurse is an incredible rollercoaster of experiences.  Learning and mastering clinical skills is undoubtedly empowering.  But it shadows in comparison to feeling like you’ve made a difference.  Moments that will stay with me forever.  Staying three hours after my shift had finished, with 2 of my fellow student nurses, to hold the hand of a dying man who had no other living family or friends.  Gently wiping the tears from his face long after he had lost the strength to speak, reassuring him that he was not alone.

But i'm also a parent.  I'm there when hes ill and wont leave my side.  I'm the one he looks to for reassurance at sports days.  It was me running behind him in the park as he learnt to ride his bike.  Its me who picks him up when he falls.  I'm the parent with tears welling at pride at school shows and reports, football matches and swimming tournaments.  And i cherish each and every one of these moments.

The two things are separate.  And yet they're both me.  And i'm asked to juggle them.  The everyday  tasks of making sure there’s clean uniforms and packed lunches; making sure hes had his 5 a day; dentist appointments; childrens parties; helping with homework; making sure there’s child care available from 6.30am right through to 8pm.  Combined with assignments; group work; revision; placements; reflections and trying to show equal willing and eagerness to both.

I cant describe how much I beat myself up about not doing well in one or both.  But the reality is – you can combine them.  They do fit. Its ridiculously hard. Ive smashed more plates than ive successfully span, and for those who have more than one child, you're truly amazing!!The only way i can rationalise it is: They're both a lifelong commitment to learning.  How many nights have you gone to bed wishing you’d handled “that” situation in the supermarket better? (Yes, we’ve ALL been there, trying to reason with a savage toddler on aisle three). How many nights have you lay there and thought of ways to be a better mum? Planning your next day off adventure? Reflected on your day and thought of new ways to approach it?  Feeling guilty about booking that extra shift to pay for it . And this is what I hope i'm teaching him.  That lifes about balance, but so long as you're trying you're best, and willing to accept you're wrong sometimes, you're doing ok.  No ones perfect, least of all me.  Keep going with that assignment, its ok to switch the computer on while they're around, you CAN do it. Pour yourself that coffee once theyre in bed and hyou still have a few hours work to do. (switch on twitter, there's plenty of us there, all looking for support). But sometimes, turn it off. Go out, get the paint out, bake some cakes together, or just watch a film together.

 I keep throwing myself at extra curricula activities that interest me, that push me to learn and develop new skills.  I love the idea of promoting a more positive language around nursing and celebrating some of the amazing things i've seen both nurses and lecturers do.   And sometimes I get the balance wrong.  But there's always a *wise beyond his years* now 8 year old to remind me that the games of Frustration and Operation, and the days in the park practising handstands and rolling down hills are just as important.